Finding ways to promote courage and emotional safety in youngsters.
In my book Secrets That Sparkle (and Secrets That Sting), I teach children that some secrets feel light—like hiding a birthday present—while others feel heavy, “like stones sitting in your belly.”
During a recent radio interview, someone asked me: “In a world that tells boys they shouldn’t cry, how do we get them to tell us when something is wrong?” That question stopped me cold. We say we want boys to grow into strong, emotionally healthy men—but from the time they’re small, we often work hard to teach them to hide their feelings. We call it toughness. But what we’re actually building isn’t strength—it’s walls.
How young brains actually work
The parts of the brain that feel emotions develop much earlier than the parts that control emotions. The emotion centre is active from birth while the control centre doesn’t fully develop until people are in their mid-twenties.
When a little boy cries, his brain is doing exactly what it’s designed to do: expressing what it feels before it knows how to regulate it. When we shut that down with phrases like “big boys don’t cry” or “you’re fine,” we interrupt that natural process. We teach him that it’s not safe to feel. Over time, his body learns to suppress instead of express and remembers every swallowed tear.
What we’re really teaching
Today’s versions might be “man up,” “don’t be a baby,” or “toughen up.” But the message is the same. Here’s what boys actually learn:
• Your feelings are shameful—hide them
• Don’t trust yourself—ignore what your body tells you
• Asking for help is weak—figure it out alone
• You’re on your own—there’s no safe space to share problems
The consequences
We’re not building strength. We’re building emotional suppression that follows boys an teens into adulthood. Simply put, they don’t stop feeling—they just stop showing it. And what can’t be expressed doesn’t disappear. It leaks out in other ways.
1) They can’t name their feelings
Men are twice as likely as women to struggle identifying and describing emotions. When boys grow up hearing that sadness and fear aren’t “manly,” they lose the words for those emotions altogether.
2) Everything becomes anger
Boys who don’t show vulnerability often turn to the only emotion that seems “manly” enough. Research shows that men who follow traditional “tough guy” rules are more likely to express depression through anger, aggression, and risk- taking rather than sadness.
3) They may self-medicate
When you can’t name what hurts or don’t have permission to talk about it, substances become a way to numb the pain. Men who hide emotions have higher rates of alcohol and drug use. Worse: teen substance use damages brain areas still learning to handle emotions, creating a vicious cycle.
4) Relationships suffer
Men who follow strict “masculine” rules have less happy relationships and more conflict with partners. You can’t be emotionally close to someone if you’ve been trained to disconnect from your own feelings.
5) The deadliest silence
Perhaps most critically, boys can face a devastating barrier when they need help most. Research shows boys disclose abuse at much lower rates than girls, often waiting years or decades. When admitting you were hurt, scared, or powerless feels “weak,” you can’t ask for help even when you desperately need it. This is why emotional safety isn’t just about feelings—it’s about protection.
According to the CDC, men die by suicide at rates nearly four times higher than women. While the causes are complex—including access to guns, substance use, and healthcare barriers—hiding emotions and refusing to admit struggles are part of the pattern.
Welcoming all feelings
When your son is upset, resist the urge to minimize it. Instead make crying normal stress release and say:
• “I can see you’re really upset. That makes sense. Tell me what happened.”
• “You seem frustrated. Want to talk about it?”
• “That sounds disappointing. I get why you’d feel that way. “It’s okay to cry. I’m here with you.”
Building emotional vocabulary in boys
At dinner: Share one thing that frustrated you today and one thing that made you happy. While watching shows: “How do you think that character is feeling? How can you tell?” Model your own emotions: “I’m feeling stressed today. I need to go for a walk.”
Teach feelings as skills: Use emotional regulation—acknowledging emotions and choosing a response. This is different from suppression, which denies emotions exist.
For young children: “When you feel angry, you can say ‘I feel angry because…’ instead of hitting.” For older children: “What do you think your body is trying to tell you with that feeling?”
Praise help-seeking: I’m so glad you told me. That was brave. We’ll figure it out together.” Model it yourself: “I’m not sure how to do this. I’m going to ask for help.”
Identify safe adults: Be specific: “If something ever feels wrong, you can always tell me, Mom, Grandma, your teacher, or Coach Mike. We will listen and believe you.”
Start Tonight: Ask everyone at dinner to share one hard thing and one good thing from their day. Listen without judging. Show that both feelings matter equally. This simple practice normalizes discussing difficult emotions, builds vocabulary, and shows you’re safe to talk to.
What real strength should look like
Real strength isn’t pretending nothing hurts. It’s having the courage to feel what’s real and stay connected while you do. Researcher Dr. Brené Brown has shown that people who live the fullest, most connected lives have the courage to be real about who they are and what they feel.
Boys need to learn: Crying isn’t failure—it’s release. Asking for help isn’t weak—it’s wise. Knowing what you feel isn’t soft—it’s self-aware. Raising emotionally healthy boys isn’t about perfection. What matters is the overall pattern—that your son grows up knowing his feelings matter, his voice matters, and he doesn’t have to carry heavy secrets alone.
We can raise boys who become men who know what they feel, can tell others what they need, ask for help when necessary, and show up for the people they love. It starts with letting them cry. Because safe kids are strong kids. And strong kids become men who know that real strength includes the courage to feel.
Joy Stephenson-Laws is the author of “Secrets That Sparkle (and Secrets That Sting): A Rhyming Picture Book.
Images: iStock. Nikita Belov.
