Helping kids to trust themselves
Many of us have experienced times when our children have shown hesitation in new social situations. They may not want to say hello to a stranger. They want to bury their heads in our legs, hide or stand back rather than participating in group activities. Or, they want to stay close to us in unfamiliar places or avoid.
As parents we may worry that there is something wrong with our child’s behaviour or personality. We may feel embarrassed that our child isn’t stepping up and joining their peers. And, we might speak of or label their feelings and actions as weak, meek or shy.
Lose the labels
Unfortunately, the all-too-common explanation of ‘hesitation as shyness’ especially when discussed in front of a child, leaves a youngster with the impression that they are flawed or have a deficit. A fast statement that may be the automatic result of our own emotion can suddenly become a suggestion that our child should be embarrassed by their behaviour. In addition, with a parent, family member or teacher labelling shyness as a personality trait or an explanation, will put a child in a certain “expectation box” with the potential to have them carrying low self-esteem and a diminished level of self-confidence as they mature.
Greater confidence
The good news is that a youngster’s need to be cautious is not wrong or bad and should not be discouraging for parents. Rather, it’s quite good. According to experts, a child who hesitates or doesn’t rush in until they feel safe is carefully listening to his or her body’s internal clues. Their pause simply means they’re learning to “trust themselves enough to do what feels right, even if it goes against the grain or isn’t what everyone expects us to do,” suggests
Dr. Hilary Mandzik, PsyD. “It’s been shown that kids’ brains are literally wired to seek protection in their safe attachment figures (that’s YOU!) when things feel uncertain or unknown”. They are saying, “right now, I’m not ready or comfortable doing this right now. I’ll just observe.
Focusing on positives
We can reframe how we think about cautious behaviour by focusing on the positive aspects the positive often associated with being “shy” such as doing well in school, behaving and following rules, and listening attentively to others. In fact, kids who have been labelled as ‘Shy” are most often considered by caregivers as easy children to look after.
Looking ahead
Latest research also shows that kids who are good at tuning in, noticing and listening to their body’s internal cues are, in the future, more likely to stop eating when they’re full, choose friends who are kind and respectful, and – down the road – refuse to get in the car with a drunk driver, even if they risk offending someone or looking “uncool.” In other words, when your child prefers not to acknowledge a stranger in the grocery store, is uncomfortable at the beginning of a birthday party or is not ready to play with others on the playground, they’re not being “shy” – they’re actually showing confidence.
Language
So, as the good doctor suggests, “let’s stop calling our kids shy – and instead, let’s positively reframe to say “I see you can be different at different times” and celebrate the moments they choose to trust themselves and act accordingly”!
Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist known for ‘good inside’ philosophy’ that offers actionable strategies to help parents feel more confident and connected with their kids by seeing the inherent goodness in children and themselves. Her book Good Inside is a recommended guide for parents.
Image: iStock.
